feel like shit. today has just kind of been a blur. at this point it's just a game of trying not to kill myself. got close to trying. realistically i should go to the hospital but we can't fucking afford that shit and it's not like they're going to do much to help anyways. i have to help myself. but i get so depressed i give up and just fucking can't
i hate summer. i probably just feel like this because it's summer. not that it stops me or helps me in any way to know that but whatever. i'm tired of everything and i just want to die. i can't handle being in this world. i don't feel like we were made for this place. we never fit in anywhere. we don't belong anywhere. the world is evil and cruel and unjust and i don't know how to be happy and i don't want to live here anymore. i'm tired.
i feel so bad. and guilty. im supposed to be better than this. i'm supposed to be the one helping us. i'm supposed to be happy and loving and caring and everything great in the world. but my mind can't help but wonder if killing us would be a mercy. we weren't even supposed to live. not this long. we weren't supposed to be born viable with life. and i think some part of us still isn't
i wish i had an explanation for why i'm like this. but whatever. just have to try to make tomorrow a better day. life is one big pile of fucking cope. all you can do is cope. all you can do is hope and pray when all things are said and done, that the next reality will be nicer than this one. for now you can try to believe in god but you know that, just like your parents, he doesn't believe in you. im a husk of a person, nobody knows my name, nobody cares about me, one day i'll be nothing but a memory, and later a speck of dust, and later, nothing.
nothing matters and we're all gonna die and this reality is so impossibly cruel that i can't stay here. all i can do is hang on to this intangible light at the end of the tunnel. a light that doesnt exist but i have to fool myself into thinking it does. recovery is a lot like finding religion.
whatever
